Taking care of a baby is tough. But taking care of a new baby when he or she has kept you up all damn night is even tougher. However, help is at hand. Here are a few things you should not attempt at any cost if you have been up all night with a baby:

1. Leave the house There are people out there and they might talk to you.

2. Cook anything other than toast  In fact, sod the toast. Best play it safe and stick to raw toast aka slice of bread (lick butter to taste).

3. Go to playgroup There will be babies there who ‘sleep through the night’ and ‘self soothe’ or ‘go down drowsy but awake’ and you’ll either leave feeling like crap or you’ll punch someone – it is just not worth it.

4. Google Never ever Google ‘can you die or get some horrible disease from lack of sleep’ while you are sleep-deprived. This will all end in tears. Basically, you are going to get fat, depressed, diabetes and die of heart disease OR survive like 100% of sleep deprived parents do!

5. Read a Gina Ford book Unless you hate your baby. In fact, do yourself a favour and avoid all baby books completely. Burn them if possible.

6. Clean the house I know, I know…it is hard to leave ALL THE MESS JUST SITTING THERE STARING AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A BIT FAT DIRTY LOSER. But trust me on this – the mess will not kill you – or even smack you in the face. The baby doesn’t care about the mess. In fact, no one gives a sh*t about the mess except you, so chuck it in a cupboard and get on with your life.

7. Make plans to do stuff You won’t remember them. Or you will only remember a minute before you are supposed to go and meet lovely Bunty from your NCT group then you have to text and cancel (again) and hate yourself forever.

8. Drive a car Driving a car while sleep deprived is like driving a car while drunk. A very bad idea.

9. Do laundry Not unless you want to do the same load of laundry 15 times. Because you’ll put it in the machine and forget to take it out for three days then you’ll have to put it on again and again and again until you just give up and stop wearing clothes.

10. Talk to your partner Trust me, when you are this tired, partners are dicks. Especially the ones who have been at indulging in a calm, quiet oasis of adult conversation and hot coffee (ok, at work), smugly wee-ing all alone like they are f***ing royalty or something. While you’ve been taking care of a baby and slaving away over a erm.. cold bread bag.

11.  Find a matching pair of socks This is a tricky task at the best of times but after you have been up all night, it is near impossible. I have no idea what happens to all the socks in my house but I suspect they are in the same place as the little spoons and the Sellotape.

12. Look at Facebook It is a fact that exhaustion can make you irritable. It is also a fact (probably) that looking on Facebook can make you irritable – especially when you are licking butter in your pyjamas with baby vomit in your hair and everyone else is seems to be doing selfies at soft play. Do you really want to see NCT Bunty boasting about the fact that baby Angel slept for 235 hours? Do you need to hear that Smug Susan from playgroup has checked in to the Big Tesco? Do you really want to be subjected to article after article of ’12 really f**king obvious way to get your baby to sleep that probably won’t work’? No, you do not. So log off, my friend, log off.

Want to find out what you SHOULD be doing if you have been up all night with a baby? Find out here: Metro online

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